The most painful part of living is knowing that everyone you love will eventually die. The frustrating part of this is that there is nothing that can be done to impede Nature’s mysteriousness and nothing can bring them back to the form of which we’re so familiar with; they’re now statues frozen in time and soon to become earth’s sustaining snack. The form they once inhabited only exists within our thoughts and is now just ingrained in our memories or in film or in pictures and other expressive art forms attempting to capture the beauty of our dearly beloved, though this thought-driven presence is never enough compared to the physical presence of our precious other. I battle with this daily and go into the war knowing that I’ll forever lose to it; this is the only conscious presence I choose to see in tragedy. The only way to win the war against Nature is to savor the present. Our ego makes this difficult with its strong aversion to change and its justifying attachment; the grateful memories and experiences are the closest thing to a time machine but in order to appreciate these moments that build our soul we mustn’t be attached to the period in time that we now mourn – we must be open and free to absorb what we love and have loved. This takes practice but no effort. If there’s one thing that I have consciously observed it is that Nature is cyclic and all is repeated over and over in one form or another, and though I can’t see the spiritual essence within us I can most definitely feel it when I let myself be free. Being that we are apart of Nature it logically appears that nothing ever truly ends because Nature never ends and is always just beginning; that’s only to be observed with the eyes to what we can see – what’s beneath that is a mystery that can’t be concluded.

As a naturalist I find Nature to be the most unbearable and ugly when in suffering because I know it is the cause of it (or at least I choose to make it appear as such). Bitterness consumes me as well as this war that I again choose to fight and repeatedly lose. What appears blatantly in front of us and within us doesn’t mean we can see what’s invisible to our sight and beyond our comprehension to the mysterious unknown; but maybe it is. Quite possibly, just maybe what we see is what we get but our ego wants more and isn’t content because it’s not familiar with what it doesn’t know. When we try things that we fear, when we go against our ego, we usually end up enjoying it, and if not we end up enjoying the process of overcoming the fear of what we were mysteriously intrigued by. We’re all silently intrigued by death, whether it be with negative or positive connotations, but it’s in the background of our consciousness and unconsciousness at all times; so perhaps when we are to face our own death we should face it bravely and openly – this seems easier than coping with the death of the ones we love; for the only solution to the grief of a fallen other that I soulfully know would be to embrace the present-past moments of thought and be gracious of such worldly unworldly experiences – but I also don’t claim to know shit from shat. Part of living is dying and perhaps part of dying is living. I’d like to better understand what I’ll never understand.

My fuzzy little lion,

I’ll forever love you;

My best little friend

No one is above you;

I meditate to the rain and your gentle breath

While fearful of what could come next –

By your side I’ll forever be,

Strong and resilient

Like a tree;

Wake up strong,

Live long,

Enjoy the day

And carry on.

Your precious smile

And golden mane,

Life without you

Will never be the same;

A gentle beauty

And a blissful face;

When the present moment

Evades time and space…

As I sit here listening to your breath,

Fearful of wondering what’s left,

When the sun stops shining

And the lion stops dining,

What’s to stop the world from crying?

A conscious choice,

We don’t even know its name,

Despite the familiarity

We still say “It’ll never be the same” –

Time passes and

It is truly felt,

It’s when we’re in pain

We choose to see nothing else;

As the wind blows and the chimes go,

I write to you while

Feeling more than blue.

Caring for you has opened my eyes, awoken my soul and made me cry;

In times of bliss we tend to forget the dark side of life

And tragedy yet these feelings arise and then subside,

This beautiful essence gone in a blink of an eye –

These feelings are natural and we’re all in this together,

We’ll take the good with the bad, the pain with the pleasure –

Words cannot explain the moments that have made me adore you,

Your courage and endless smile makes me forever applaud you.

I search for you every morning but physically you’re not there,

I go on and live my day as if I’m clueless and don’t care;

Your mane left behind is enough to make the heart insane,

Attachment to your precious memory evokes so much pain;

Denial, Denial, won’t you stay awhile?

The thought of you not here – my eyes they welt and tear;

The green grass that we’ve walked on, the car rides and the sweet songs,

The melody of laughter and rolling in the smell of after;

I’ll hold you in my arms, kiss your head and clean your face,

I’ll always help you and make sure that you can taste

The endless love that you’ve given our souls,

For making a family, for keeping us whole –

Every time I look I wish to see you,

But little did I know

I’d rather be you.

©  2020 Michael Angel Loayza Jr.