I remember the feeling of being in love – the entwined smile of two souls that could quickly molt into bickering snarls within seconds. Just as life is perplexing so is the emotion of Love. The freedom of unconditional love: the great comradery, the mutual support, the intense passion, the shared smile, the pulsing fingertips, the messy hair glowing in the amber sun, the untidy corners of her mouth after carelessly eating, the glued look of irreverent time in the irises of our eyes, the unified reflection of one and other in our pupils, the warmth in a shared bed on cold winter night, the awoken gaze of puffy and groggy eyes followed by the faint breath of morning – the warm and wet kisses, her pouty lips, the curves of her body, the peach fuzz along her lower back between her ravine-like dimples leading to voluptuous hills, her skin against mine, the sweet taste of one and other, raging passion leading to unearthly euphoria – a climax of two souls with a shared gaze apart from two sets of swollen lips.
I’ve been in love several times but it seems to be that the more I learn to love myself the stronger my love to my counterpart comes to be – I don’t hold back anything and I love fearlessly. This is the only way to love; with courage. I’ve lusted too and this is great fun, but there is nothing like true love, true friendship; it supersedes any sort of need or desire to something so much more. True love is paradoxically indescribable like the beauty of a field of fireflies midst the cool glow of the iridescent moonlight; even despite the risk of stomach-curdling betrayal and palpitating heartache under the cold rainy skies, all the pain is worth all of its beauty, whether temporal or permanently impermanent – because the memories are that sweet. Love is either a blissful experience or a cancerous candy – and despite its potentially conscious harm that tastes oh-so-good, it can just as easily kill you, surely and slowly – if you let it. The choice is ours, as always.
The past may no longer exist but the gratitude of all that had ensued most definitely does. I’m no longer attached to the memories of those I’ve loved and even to my greatest past love, being so brings upon great suffering, a heartache so intense that even the darkest abyss hides itself from the treacherous pain; I once was attached but I no longer am – and when I lose this way of being I quickly find myself once again in order to survive because the betrayal of the heart and soul is that great.
I may mourn the living-dead of those that I have loved and will love but a euphoric spark will forever linger inside of my beating heart for all of the past, present and future loves that I have encountered and will again encounter – or perhaps I shall just never love another again. I am simply grateful for these cherished memories kin to those who have passed on into the mysterious void; no matter how many tears I cry I always remind myself that it was worth every grain of salt – if you haven’t noticed that life is made up of tears then you have much to learn. Within all of this is the reminder to build an enduring bridge over the ocean that we have cried while periodically looking down at its rippled, memory-riddled reflection – silently reminiscing. And though the music is sweet and the dance is infectious we must constantly live through our fears and pain only to know that these muses are there to lift us high into the beating sky, to overcome the heart-clenching demons by making peace with them while observing their soon-to-be dissolution without any judgement. True love is only attained and endlessly sought after by freeing the Self from the ego again and again, after each betrayal, after the slaying of each demon, amidst soaring high into the sky and dancing with the stars and then again diving deep down below to the soul-tortured abyss where darkness is so black and so abysmal that light appears out of mere necessity to survive; this innate light is our own reflection – when one becomes a mirror to darkness only then can one truly see that the only thing more powerful than countered love is a solitary laugh.
I don’t know if can write anything truer or more beautiful about love or the love of another being until I feel it once again – rereading what was said above I must say that I’ve done myself true. But these words come from beyond me yet within me – only few will understand this. For those who choose to love unconditionally these words are for you – and for those who love me and have loved me these words are also for you. May the beauty of Life entangle my mind into euphoria in order to feel more intense emotions like these only to shamelessly exploit them like the creative poet that I am. I might add, this is song is also for the one I have yet to love but already do love. Thank you and I love you.
© 2020 Michael Angel Loayza Jr.